Coming Alive Again
For the first time in a long time, I feel myself coming alive again. In the middle of a global pandemic is probably a weird time to be feeling this. The beautifully challenging thing about all of this time alone over the last two months is that it left me a lot of time to think and reflect. I faced down my shadow self more in the last few weeks than in the last few years combined.
For several years now, I realize that I felt lost. I think I felt this even before my grandma died. Even before the underlying depression that I’ve always experienced but never knew what it was hit full force. I just didn’t realize what I was feeling. But, add all that in and lost perhaps doesn’t being to describe it. Untethered from my own being.
It happened in fits and starts over the last few weeks. Just a kindling of a flame deep in my spirit, one that’s growing a little brighter each time. I started writing this post in my mind as I was trying to fall asleep last night. I immediately grabbed my computer and started writing, for fear of the words escaping me by morning. (Which, sure enough, they did.) I started writing in the moment because I feel this coming alive sensation today, stronger than ever. I want to capture it, remember it.
When I think about who I was a few years ago compared to now, I don’t entirely remember what it feels like to live in that body, that life. This “before” me feels like a distant memory, one that faded with the passage of time and heartache. What I know is that the sense of feeling untethered was a tethering in and of itself. Feeling so unknown to myself became my new normal.
It’s not that I find myself radically changing. I’m still the same person who loves running and Taylor Swift. I still do yoga and read voraciously. At my core, those things never changed. It’s more that the emptiness that filled my heart and spirit is filling with life again. With passion and energy, ready to stop simply existing and start living.
I took this selfie recently and I could see the difference in myself. This sparkle in my eyes and a genuine smile. I see a lightness and joy that I wasn’t forcing, but that was all just there. I didn’t realize these things were missing until I can see them reappearing.
And so, here I am. Coming alive again. The moments aren’t always there, but when they are? I embrace the hell out of it. Because, here’s the thing. Whatever is coming alive, it feels amazing and scary and exciting. All of those years of feeling lost, of feeling untethered, they shaped me deeply. I don’t want to wipe away those memories. I need that season to have this season. But, when I feel this spark, it feels like a whole new life getting ready to burst into a big, beautiful flame.
Photo(s): Eric Sanman