I’m joining the masses in my sighs of “I can’t believe it’s already 2020,” but seriously. How is it already 2020? I am so excited to be back in this space again as I haven’t written in a few months. I felt very uninspired and in full honesty, contemplated shutting down the whole thing more than once. Did blogging bring me joy? Did this feel worth my energy? For awhile it didn’t and I didn’t want to post simply for quantities sake.
Perhaps it’s the fresh start of a new year, but I started feeling the tug to write again. Even more, the tug to get back to myself and the things that I love again. That hasn’t felt true in a really long time. It feels grounding to want to write and run and do yoga again. Not because I feel like I am supposed to, but because I genuinely want to do those things.
A few days ago, I was thinking of this post, of the habits (or lack thereof) I’ve developed in the last couple years. I was mindlessly playing a game on my iPad for I don’t know how long. Hours, maybe. Suddenly, a line from Taylor Swift’s song “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince” popped into my head.
You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.
I know that the phrase is completely unrelated to my habits and the life I’ve had the last couple of years, but damn, it rang so true. I feel like I wasted so much of my life, letting the days go by. It seemed fitting that I was literally playing a stupid game. And, what are the prizes I’ve won? A hell of a lot of nothing. My life felt stagnant, largely because it was.
I played stupid games, I won stupid prizes.
I look back on the last year, couple of years really, with regret over wasted time. To be sure, I know that batting a strong case of depression did me no favors. Yet, I know that I tended to use depression as an excuse. It’s a vicious cycle and I fell into a pattern of laziness more often than I care to admit.
Whatever the circumstances, I’m ready for a change. I want to live a life that makes me proud, one where I’m intentional with my time and actually live, not simply exist. Because that’s how I feel about much of the last three years. It wasn’t a life, it was an existence at best. Of course, there were days that felt different.
2020 is going to be different. I want to be intentional with my time and my energy. I’ll post more about my goals and word for the year very soon, as I’m still fleshing out some of my thoughts. For today, though, I am thrilled to write.