Miss Me More

Miss Me More

Oh, hey. It’s been over two months since I published a post. I tried writing since early October, full of the best intentions and ideas floating in my mind. Yet, once I sat down and actually starting typing, the words simply weren’t there. A few sentences at best, but it felt forced. After a few weeks, I decided to stop forcing it knowing that the words and inspiration would come when the time was right.

Now, it’s close to midnight on a Wednesday in early December. I can’t sleep and for the first time in a long time, it’s more than just the words that are there, trying to come out of my mind. They feel like fully formed thoughts and emotions, not the fractured pieces of myself that I felt for so long. This broken heart feels like it’s coming alive again. My spirit is waking up after a long, deep slumber. I struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time, much longer than I realized (or, at the very least was willing to admit), but that fog is lifting in what feels like a more lasting change.

Despite all the evidence that shows screen time is the worst thing one can do for sleep, I grabbed my laptop. I knew I needed to write and let the words flow, without thinking, without editing. Just me and and the clicking of the keyboard. It feels freeing to find this groove again, to embrace the writer I know is deep inside of me.

With so much in the last couple of years, I allowed myself to fall victim to my circumstances. Without a doubt, there is a season for grief and mental health is far from a linear journey. But, there comes a point where it is easy to let the cards life dealt me become excuses. I passed that point awhile ago and while I was aware of it, I couldn’t take that next step into my future. Complacency takes many forms and I was living comfortably in that bubble.

My friend Theodora shared words in her newsletter today that resonated so deeply in my heart. In one part, she writes, “I know I have more to offer than the lowest part of me. I have a brighter light inside of me that’s been struggling to flicker through this darkness. It takes so much work for me to try to fight against those automatic negative thoughts, but I’m worth it. The world deserves my light, not just my darkness.” Yes to all of this.

There’s a song, “Miss Me More,” on Kelsea Ballerini’s latest album that connected with me from the first listen. It quickly became part of my soundtrack. I listened on repeat, as if she wrote the lyrics just for me. But, it wasn’t until she released the video and shared on Instagram stories the real meaning behind the song that it clicked. Kelsea shared that she wrote the song “about the moment when we decide that we, ourselves, are worth fighting for. We fight our fear, insecurity, doubt, and the outside voices.”

And so, here I am. This is the moment. Right here, right now. I am worth fighting for. I haven’t felt that in a long time and it may be a fleeting feeling, but I’m going to fight like hell to hold onto it. Today, I am making a conscious decision to choose my reality. I’m ready to find my life, to start finding myself again. A new version of me, not separate from grief, depression, and anxiety, because those things are so deeply entrenched in my story now. But, no longer will I let them define my narrative. 

I’m reclaiming my life, starting now.

Photo credits: Spirit DaughterMartin Péchy

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